She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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