There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
