I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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