I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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