just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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