My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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