I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
