you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
