im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
