no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
