they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
