I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
