I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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