Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
