i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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