...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
