Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
