the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
