i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
