Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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