i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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