If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she told me i tasted like america
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
