guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
