thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
