If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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