i'm signing you up for texting rehab
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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