Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
