Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
