there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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