You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
