The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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