I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
