I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
