tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
