Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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