I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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