i jhust puked up my retainher.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
