DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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