Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
