trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
3pm strippers are depressing
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
