I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
this beer tastes like vomit already
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
