I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
