I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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