Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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