i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
