I'm so fucking centered right now
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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