sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
