happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
