Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
