i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
